I didnot sleep again last night, I am getting good at this #teamnosleep, I lay in bed and I looked at the dog sleeping, everyone in the house quiet and asleep, except for me, a migraine is pounding and I dare not take anymore pain-killers, my worship music is on, I hear it but It doesnt settled my heart, I try to focus on the words of my favorites songs I even put them on repeat hoping, praying!
I can't pray and the tears are non-stop! I go over every fight, every conversation, every advice.
I hear her in my heart, you have to forgive she said for the million times as we have a conversation,
Let go of the past and the past pain, move on let nothing stand between you and her – she begged again.
I have forgive I explain, I prayed, I cried, and sometimes, I make excuses by saying, she did the best she could in the situation,
I can't get head and heart to connect, because this isn't past pain, this isn't the past. This is my Norm
As I hear her voice asking me to forgive and move on, I hear Maya Angelou says, "when people show you who there are believe them"
It's the darkest moment of my life, the pit I am in is so deep that I question can God really reached me, I re-read your text, why am I torturing myself. Trying to find an excuse, she typed it in anger, we are all hurt, we all feel helpless, this is hard for every one, it's out of pain.
She lashes out, she is hot tempered, she didn't mean
The thing is you do mean it, over and over, your action tells me you mean it
I lay here and since I can't sleep all I can do is "play with my demons of the past"
So I remember the fights, and then the singing, and then, the praying and the quoting of scripture, I used to call it "your obeah" as a child
Yep another fight and same thing, the cursing, the singing, the praying, "the bring God off his throne", I didn't want "your" God. I could not wouldn't understand the "two-sided lifestyle", didn't want to serve a God like that.
It's only 1 am and I am still not asleep, I should get up and read my bible do some art-journaling, if you are awake for more than 2 hours and is tossing then you were meant to do some pocket letters, brighten some one mailbox will help.
I can't move because I remember, you calling me a "unfit" mom when you tried to take my son.
I remember the "fake" phone call as a social service worker, trying to scare me, a young mom.
I remembered, the call to my employer, but I stayed and I came back everytime, until I couldn't
I remember the fight, I remember telling myself all the scriptures and just like you I had reacted and lashed out,
I remembered wanted to say I was sorry, as I got to the den,you were at the sink and yep! You were back to your "obeah", and then I heard the words I will never forget, lord look at me cross, she lied on her father, saying he touched her and I almost got him fired, what? Wait? How? Why? I can't move, I can't breathe, my heart stop, I am right there right outside the curtain, you saw me and you continued the rampage of words, see it's your "favorite weapon" you are good with it
You gonna go lie on me you snarled at me, you ungrateful b…. you snarled , you came to me pregnant, you hissed and all I have done is support you, you bragged, 16 and pregnant you cursed…. who cares I was 18 and an adult getting ready to turn 19 in a few months but saying 16 sounded better, it made your case.
Who else are you going to lie on you asked as you name some male family friends!
Then I hear it, the swearing, "over my dead body, if you think I'm gonna help you get…….. you mistaken, I should have left you back home to suffer!!!!
Yep that settles it , time to fight you and the police for my baby and get out of here and if there is a God, not the one you served but a "living, breathing God", I will never have to go "home" ever!!!!
Oh it's morning, I get brand new mercies, I get a new message from a friends. Yep and encouraging text to replace yours with. #overthecliftshegoeswithme and as I am hanging on barely, I typed to her but for the grace that runs from Calvary, yes that's it! Yes yes yes!!!!
But for the grace that runs from Calvary! It's only because of his grace I am here! I survived! I conquered! I am not even a good enough mom, but oh for the grace that runs from Calvary, that hand picked 4 amazing children and placed them in my life's and when my actions, decision, cause them more pain than is necessary, when I struggle with parenting skills, when I get it so wronged, that the effects last a life-time and I can't go back to change it,when I watched the pain and the brokenness in my children and I feel so helpless and the tears are flowing and your words are alive in my head, it is so loud it's drumming out my worship music!!! Grace of an amazing God shows up in a message and she says breath! Just breath! And then I typed! I put you and your words to rest one last time! I used your weapon of choice not to cause pain but to bring healing, I write so I can hear God tells me I am bought with a price, I write so I can hear RMG tells me anything that brings me to the foot of the cross is great, I write and I thank you for pushing me toward grace! I breath and then as I type I hear the songs that's has been playing all day, all night, naani is restless and stretching ready to start her day, the tears has stop falling and I am smiling, it's a small step toward grace, towards Calvary…… but I will take it!!!
"Take me to the king", I have nothing to bring, lay me on throne, leave me there alone"………
I'm going to see the king and then my kids!!!!