Tag Archives: self esttem

“Wild dog puppies”

It has been about a month now and I can't get those words out my head. "What you expect. When you take in wild dogs puppy", the words were sent with such hatred, anger, poisons, venom and I feel and hear them , way down in my heart.

I was meant to destroy me and oh boy did it almost destroy me, some-one who has struggled with her identity for all my life. Some one who admits, that on most days I think I am worthless and my family and this world is better off with out me…

No. he wasn't calling me a "wild dog puppy" but it was meant to crush and destroy me , the words were sent to hurt me and oh did it. I have cried for days and weeks and still cries,
Even as I type this blog, the tears are falling because the effect of the hatred is still so fresh.

I want to scream, I want to asked why do you hate me, what have I done, what didn't I do? Why do you hate me so much? Why will you cut the rope that I am barely hanging on and leave me in a pit to die? Do you understand I wanted to die?, Do you know I counted the pill in my bottle and asked is this enough to do the job?
Will it stop this pain, will it bring a better solution? are they better off with out me?

I screen shot the conversation, I reminded myself of your words. How can a pastor, some one who claims to love God, call a child any child "a wild dog puppy", what did they ever do to you?

As I bible journal this month, this week, I make and extra effort to do "who I am", who does God say I am, I write out the affirmation, I put on flash cards, I create tip in.

I make a conscious decision to remind me who God say I am, and remind me whose I am.

I struggle to forgive you! I pray every day to forgive you but the words are echo and it bring me to tears every time and I have to go back to the foot of the cross, I have to give you to God and let God wash me with his words….

Today as I get dressed "word of God speak" came on and I hit the repeat button so fast, I forgot I was supposed to be trying to play my list completely with out repeat….
But my soul wants to live, my soul cries out to God to live, so he puts this song on my play list and reminds me that his words is pouring down like rain, he is in this place, this place where I am, this deep, dark pit, that this situation that has the "making of a perfect storm", that place where only a miracle can help me.

Yes I find myself lost for words and prayers and tears and yes it is ok….. but I hear him, he washed my eyes to see his majesty and yes right here, in this place let me stay in his holiness!

Because I am in the right place, in the right position with all the making of a miracle and yes this is one of my miracles.

It will take a miracle but oh boy do I know a miracle worker….



Oh but for grace 

I didnot sleep again last night, I am getting good at this #teamnosleep, I lay in bed and I looked at the dog sleeping, everyone in the house quiet and asleep, except for me, a migraine is pounding and I dare not take anymore pain-killers, my worship music is on, I hear it but It doesnt settled my heart, I try to focus on the words of my favorites songs I even put them on repeat hoping, praying! 

I can't pray and the tears are non-stop! I go over every fight, every conversation, every advice.

I hear her in my heart, you have to forgive she said for the million times as we have a conversation,

Let go of the past and the past pain, move on let nothing stand between you and her – she begged again.

I have forgive I explain, I prayed, I cried,  and sometimes, I make excuses by saying, she did the best she could in the situation, 

I can't get head and heart to connect, because this isn't past pain, this isn't the  past. This is my Norm

As I hear her voice asking me to forgive and move on, I hear Maya Angelou says, "when people show you who there are believe them"

It's the darkest moment of my life, the pit I am in is so deep that I question can God really reached me, I re-read your text, why am I torturing myself. Trying to find an excuse, she typed it in anger, we are all hurt, we all feel helpless, this is hard for every one, it's out of pain.

She lashes out, she is hot tempered, she didn't mean 

The thing is you do mean it, over and over, your action tells me you mean it 

I lay here and since I can't sleep all I can do is "play with my demons of the past"

So I remember the fights, and then the singing, and then, the praying and the quoting of scripture, I used to call it "your obeah" as a child 

Yep another fight and same thing, the cursing, the singing, the praying, "the bring God off his throne", I didn't want "your" God. I could not wouldn't understand the "two-sided lifestyle", didn't want to serve a God like that.

It's only 1 am and I am still not asleep, I should get up and read my bible do some art-journaling, if you are awake for more than 2 hours and is tossing then you were meant to do some pocket letters, brighten some one mailbox will help.

I can't move because I remember, you calling me a "unfit" mom when you tried to take my son.

I remember the "fake" phone call as a social service worker, trying to scare me, a young mom.

I remembered, the call to my employer, but I stayed and I came back everytime, until I couldn't

I remember the fight, I remember telling myself all the scriptures and just like you I had reacted and lashed out, 

I remembered wanted to say I was sorry, as I got to the den,you were at the sink and yep! You were back to your "obeah", and then I heard the words I will never forget, lord look at me cross, she lied on her father, saying he touched her and I almost got him fired, what? Wait? How? Why? I can't move, I can't breathe, my heart stop, I am right there right outside the curtain, you saw me and you continued the rampage of words, see it's your "favorite weapon" you are good with it

You gonna go lie on me you snarled at me, you ungrateful b…. you snarled , you came to me pregnant, you hissed and all I have done is support you, you bragged, 16 and pregnant you cursed…. who cares I was 18 and an adult getting ready to  turn 19 in a few months but saying 16 sounded better, it made your case.

Who else are you going to lie on you asked as you name some male family friends!

Then I hear it, the swearing, "over my dead body, if you think I'm gonna help you get…….. you mistaken, I should have left you back home to suffer!!!! 

Yep that settles it , time to fight you and the  police for my baby and get out of here and if there is a God, not the one you served but a "living, breathing God", I will never have to go "home" ever!!!! 

Oh it's morning, I get brand new mercies, I get a new message from a friends. Yep and encouraging text to replace yours with. #overthecliftshegoeswithme and as I am hanging on barely, I typed to her but for the grace that runs from Calvary, yes that's it! Yes yes yes!!!! 

But for the grace that runs from Calvary! It's only because of his grace I am here! I survived! I conquered! I am not even a good enough mom, but oh for the grace that runs from Calvary, that hand picked 4 amazing children and placed them in my life's and when my actions, decision, cause them more pain than is necessary, when I struggle with parenting skills, when I get it so wronged, that the effects last a life-time and I can't go back to change it,when I watched the pain and the brokenness in my children and I feel so helpless and the tears are flowing and your words are alive in my head, it is so loud it's drumming out my worship music!!! Grace of an amazing God shows up in a message and she says breath! Just breath! And then I typed! I put you and your words to rest one last time! I used your weapon of choice not to cause pain but to bring healing, I write so I can hear God tells me I am bought with a price, I write so I can hear RMG tells me anything that brings me to the foot of the cross is great, I write and I thank you for pushing me toward grace! I breath and then as I type I hear the songs that's has been playing all day, all night, naani is restless and stretching ready to start her day, the tears has stop falling and I am smiling, it's a small step toward grace, towards Calvary…… but I will take it!!! 

"Take me to the king", I have nothing to bring, lay me on throne, leave me there alone"………

I'm going to see the king and then my kids!!!! 

“Praying parents”

A couple days ago, I was taking to one of my besties about Youth Ministry, yep it’s always what I talk about, anyway as I get her caught up on the latest and we brain storm idea and just chat, I asked in a very desperate voice, how did we make it through our teen years and with out  missing a beat she answered “praying parents”.

I breath, yes thank God for”praying parents”, truth be told I want to think, I had it all together (NOT), I didn’t struggle with anything. (So not true), I was organized, studious and didn’t not give my mom any grieve (right) 

But I made it and I look back and smile, at the broken heart, the betrayals, the bad grade, the competition, clicks , and the friendship form that will with stand distance, marriages and everything else in between and like Shelley, I say a prayer for my mom. 

Thank God for a praying mom, 

Teen and pregnancy! 

As a  Youth leader, Youth Minister, Youth Pastor (yes I have hold one of those titles at some point), but my heart always breaks when I hear or see a teen pregnant. I always asked what am I missing? What needs to be done to save our youths? It’s in the churches, in youth groups, in different ministries, it’s the preacher kids, and the world youths, it’s across all borders and denominations. 

I always feel like a failure and no I don’t believe in the “if you can’t be good then be careful”, because to me it’s saying God is not able to keep that which we committed  and he is more than able. 

I believe in chasity and I still preach, teach, and believed sex outside of marriage is wrong. I tell my girls don’t give a “wanna be” a “husband benefits”. 

The thing is even tho and because I strongly believe God’s word and sin is sin, no greater no lesser, just sin that needs a gracious God to forgive us and make us whole

Whenever a youth comes to me and say I am pregnant, I have not problem getting on the floor, cry with her, pray with her and pray for her and then look her in the eyes and say you got this! And he has you! 

Am I condoning no I am simply loving. 

This week I saw a status on a mommy group I am in and my heart break I wanted to share on my page, I hear it from my daughters, I hear it from my youths and my friends who are youth minister  and I want to scream, I want to pray fire and brimstone and put a stone around their necks 

The status was about the way people treated her when they saw her with her son, the shame they made her feel …. the looks, some even suggested abortion over a teen raising a child, they assume she won’t finished school and will be on public assistance 

My heart is breaking I can never blog about this too much. I have a problem!!!! We call alcoholic a illness, we march, we have cause for almost ever and anything yet this area we still made them feel worthless 

We are now a society that has accepted anything and will find a scripture to prove it,  God forbid any one as leaders find ourselves pregnant outside of marriage not a big deal because we can just get married and that makes it ok…. 

yes I want a better way! Yes I want them to have the life God intends them to have, but while they have a baby on their hip and strapped to them as they conquer their mountains and their obstacle and they look you in the eyes and say I got this! Look out!! I will be forever cheering them on, becoming that village and simply loving them.