My daughter Rae-Quel is living with Microduplication 22q11.2 (similar to De-George Syndrome), and is now 12 weeks pregnant.
It’s funny when I talk to Rae-Quell about taking care of her because “taking care of her, is taking care of the baby”, also trying to instill “self care” now because as a mom, a single mom, the desire and need to put your child 100 percent before you is so great and overwhelming that “self care” is a learned luxury but really is a necessity to make it through the next 18 years plus!
Anyway, as I go to her appointment I am so proud of Rae-Quel as she makes decision, which test to do, and why? Which one she can wait for?
Usually her first question is “will it hurt my baby”? Sounds like a great mom in the making, I watch her struggle with wanting to know if her baby has the same syndrome or another syndrome and the desire to protect her baby at all cost, don’t let anything happens to my baby she prays, don’t do any test that will put her/him, in danger she pleas, she already has to deal with being in my body!!!
It seem like the odds are already stacked at this new grandbaby and this “young” mom!
My heart break as I watch her break the cocoon to become a beautiful, butterfly
I watched and I pray but I am impress of her questions and her choices and her decision, she knows the odds, she knows the risk, no matter how she gets here, she has a life that depends on her and she will be this baby moms for the rest of the baby life and will always find herself having to make a decision.
She has watched me struggle and has learn and is learning from my decisions, she will make hers and no matter where I am, I will always be supporting her and encouraging her and doing what’s best for her, because she is my daughter and my baby! Like her I ask, how does this affect Rae-Quel, will this hurt Rae-Quel, what are the risk to my baby! How can I keep her safe and she struggles to keep her child safe!
A parent knows how to give good gifts to their child! Will a parent will give a scorpion when asked for a fish,
See we have the best example of parenting and unconditional love, because God is the good good father, he has set the standards so high that we can!
Yes Rae-Quel will make mistakes, she will learn some hard lesson, she will continued to learn how to thrive with a genetic disorder, while raising a baby and she will have a family that supports her unconditionally, she will have arms to hold her as she falls apart, she will have some one to text and say “your grandchild”
She will experience all the emotions of parenting and she will grow!!!
I can call this forgive #2, and pick up from a previous blog, but I am sure there will be another blog about forgiveness.
I know I have to forgive, I have to forgive to receive forgiveness, Jesus stressed to forgive 70 times 7,the same person, what you gotta be kidding me, the same person can hurt me over and over again and I have to forgive because God says so, I want to live a life pleasing to him, I have surrendered my life to him, so it’s not mines it’s his, so yep I have to forgive!
Maybe this isn’t for you! Maybe it’s only me who struggles with forgiveness, especially the same person, and almost the same act!
I cry how many time God, he says 70 times 7, until it doesn’t hurt!
But it hurts and I struggle with 2 truths! Yes God says to forgive, but this is her character, this is how he is, this is his norm, there will be a next time, there is always a next time.
So I lay here, journaling and reading my bible and as I asked God to forgive me again! I struggled with forgiving the ones who has hurt me, the one who while I was over the clift with the rope dangling and breaking, stood above and cut the rope and watch me free fall.
No safety net, down in the ditch I land and it’s a hard landing, I get to live with it for the rest of my life. I get to see the words.
I watched as she cuts the rope and I know I will fall, I am going to die here in this pit, I can’t breath, I am cold and hungry and it’s so dark and alone and I free fall, my life flash before my eyes and I see all the things I am going to miss but I don’t care, I just want to die, let me die already.
Then I get a message! A rainbow seeker had thrown a rope over and is climbing down to sit with me.
Oh but for grace that runs from Calvary becomes my #hashtag.
So now I am on solid ground, now I have been rescued!
How do I forgive! What does forgiveness looks like.
How do I move on and be the best person I can be for my family, and forgive you!
I have prayed, I gave you to God. I don’t have a hell to put you, so I pray and I pick up the pieces of my life’s and I leave you at the foot of the cross, I tell God you are a burden that is too much for me, so I gave you to him and I walk away.
I don’t hate you! I don’t want you to hurt! I don’t want to get even, not praying for God to get you! Not telling God how much you have hurt me, he knows already.
See forgiveness for me means I get to walk away! Free and clear! No hurt, no animosity, not be grudging. I just walked away and let God be God.
So I mentioned about a week ago! I had big news and part of that news where my daughter Rae-Kyea co-blogging with me,
Well here is my next big “surprise”, I have asked a couple of my friends to write a piece to be featured here and today we get to hear from my friend Denise
She is a Home-school mom, who loves God with her whole heart and a fellow bible-art journaler, swap sister, penpals, who I call #swapsisters
Denise’s conversation with her daughter:
Okay, I started writing, not even having a clue what I was going to say. I came up with this.
I was talking with my daughter earlier about judging people. She said that God loved her, even though she wasn’t worthy and the least she could do was love others. Why is that so hard sometimes? Loving others should come so simply. But satan sneaks in and steals our joy. He wants to cause chaos. If we just love as Jesus loves us, we will be truly fulfilled. We all have our scars and flaws. But God loves us anyway. We are grumpy, we do things unpleasing to Him, we do not do the work He wants us to, and He STILL loves us! Oh to love others that unconditionally. What an amazing love that is. Let’s try to see others through our Jesus glasses. Look upon them as He would. Don’t concentrate on the “bad” things. Give more compliments. Smile at strangers. Do random acts of kindness. Those little things could make a huge difference in the lives of others. The world can be a cold, harsh place. But we can change it. Reach out to someone. Be that light in the darkness. Be that shoulder to cry on. Let the world see God through you. You will find that by giving to others, you will fill your own heart with happiness!
To say I have been having bad day is an understatement.
After a very horrible day on Friday where I am living my worst nightmare and even in my worst night mare I would never have imagine, I will be here.
I totally collapsed and spend the rest of the weekend, depress and crying and as if that not bad already, for some-one very close and important to you added to that misery, well!!!!
thanks be to God a girlfriend text and sat over the cliff with me, while I find my way out, and today……..
There is no pit so deep that God's love cannot reached, thanks to some strangers on Facebook who became swap sister (we swap bible art supplies and encourage each other), I got a package (care package) in the mail, of journals, retreat kit, spa date and most important prayer cards and stickers to create a war-binder!
His loves shows up in human form and when I cried, I know you are there but I just need some one to touch, to hugged, to hear them say I am here for you!
He gave me a group of them and then some…..
His loves shows up in some dysfunctional youth, who prayed for me
His love showed up in a rainbow seeker, who sat in the midst of the storm with me.
His love showed up in my fellow bible art journaling sisters who swapped stickers and pocket letters and make me lol and reminded me that he loves me so much
His love showed up in my best friend who remembered to put and encouraging message on my phone
His love showed up in my daughter, who read the "nasty message" and said! That not true you are an amazing mom and we love you!
His love shows up in Rayshawn who was too excited to tell me he passed his test and he was on his way to get me
Yep, even tho I make my bed in hell you are there with me.
Where can I go from your presence!!!!!!! Oh where!!!!
Love him so much!!!!
True Christian calls by his name will show up
Yesterday, I was having a tough day to say the least bit as I scroll down my Facebook fields I came to a status that made me smile….
it was the status of my fellow rainbow seeker. Love to be on the floor, Youth leader CHM, as she post about her busy weeks of graduations, sometimes 2 per day, I smile what else will a Youth leader be doing!!
Then I saw her status ” when you die, come haunt us, so you can talk to us” what ?!?!!!
Oh my world! I start laughing, not even death can keep them away from her, So I won’t be saying “sleep in sweet peace dear rainbow seeker”. Nope!
It funny to me as a youth leader and some one who knows her and her “dysfunctional youths” but I start thinking wow!!!
What if we impact a generation so much that even in death, they still want to hear you! You have changed some many lives so much that the phase “till death” doesn’t stand!
A love that knows no borders or boundaries, a love that not even death can separate, no greater love have these, that a youth leader who gives her life for her youths .