Tag Archives: prayers

“I’m on my way”

As a Day-care provider, circle time was my favorite, 10 mins per day and the kids learned so much, they learned by repetition,
We did the same songs, nursery rhymes, every day, redundant you say… yes there were times I changed up just a bit, and then we do a short activity to re-enforce. I have always loved the Montessori way of teaching and then later added the emerging to home-schooling my kids, I have alway advocate to teach kids how they learn…
Anyway this blog is not about teaching or learning! Go figure! After 2 paragraph.

The thing is one of my favorite thing to say/sing during circle time was "going on a bear hunt", it had every thing, you needed to teach in it. repetition, action and imagination, yes let's go on a bear hunt and see what we will find!

Well I have change the word to that poem, to try and tell about my "faith walk" in this season

Adapted from "going on a bear hunt"

Going to Canaan, gonna see my healer
come across sickness
Can't go around it, can't go over it, gotta go through it.

Going to Canaan, gotta see my provider.
Come across being fired
Can't go around it, can't go over it
Can't go under it, gotta go through it.

Going to Canaan. Gotta see Jesus…
Come upon a struggle.
Can't go over it
Can't go under it
Gotta go through it

Come fire! Come storm, come mountains, come devil… gotta go through it!!!

#gottagothroughit

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“Wild dog puppies”

It has been about a month now and I can't get those words out my head. "What you expect. When you take in wild dogs puppy", the words were sent with such hatred, anger, poisons, venom and I feel and hear them , way down in my heart.

I was meant to destroy me and oh boy did it almost destroy me, some-one who has struggled with her identity for all my life. Some one who admits, that on most days I think I am worthless and my family and this world is better off with out me…

No. he wasn't calling me a "wild dog puppy" but it was meant to crush and destroy me , the words were sent to hurt me and oh did it. I have cried for days and weeks and still cries,
Even as I type this blog, the tears are falling because the effect of the hatred is still so fresh.

I want to scream, I want to asked why do you hate me, what have I done, what didn't I do? Why do you hate me so much? Why will you cut the rope that I am barely hanging on and leave me in a pit to die? Do you understand I wanted to die?, Do you know I counted the pill in my bottle and asked is this enough to do the job?
Will it stop this pain, will it bring a better solution? are they better off with out me?

I screen shot the conversation, I reminded myself of your words. How can a pastor, some one who claims to love God, call a child any child "a wild dog puppy", what did they ever do to you?

As I bible journal this month, this week, I make and extra effort to do "who I am", who does God say I am, I write out the affirmation, I put on flash cards, I create tip in.

I make a conscious decision to remind me who God say I am, and remind me whose I am.

I struggle to forgive you! I pray every day to forgive you but the words are echo and it bring me to tears every time and I have to go back to the foot of the cross, I have to give you to God and let God wash me with his words….

Today as I get dressed "word of God speak" came on and I hit the repeat button so fast, I forgot I was supposed to be trying to play my list completely with out repeat….
But my soul wants to live, my soul cries out to God to live, so he puts this song on my play list and reminds me that his words is pouring down like rain, he is in this place, this place where I am, this deep, dark pit, that this situation that has the "making of a perfect storm", that place where only a miracle can help me.

Yes I find myself lost for words and prayers and tears and yes it is ok….. but I hear him, he washed my eyes to see his majesty and yes right here, in this place let me stay in his holiness!

Because I am in the right place, in the right position with all the making of a miracle and yes this is one of my miracles.

It will take a miracle but oh boy do I know a miracle worker….

S

Love is..

An action word! When asked how much you love me he says so much and died for me… love is God, love is kind! Love does not boast, Love doesn't not hurt, loves lifts up not pulled down, loves bears all things, endure alls things. Love is gentle…..

I can go on! I did a word search on one of my bible app and as I type love is…. so much Scripture came up! 

I google what love is and googled had all theses memes, and quotes and yep Wikipedia, love is an action word……

Why am I researching love. I should know what it looks like, what it smells like, 

I love to create math problems that has no solution and tell my kids that's how much I love them and I do love them to infinity times infinity (squared), ……..can't explain how they makes me feel, can't explain how I feel about God.

We use love as an excuse, or reason! I love you but you hurting me (an abusive relationship) 

You making me do this but I love you (you put it back on me, so it has conditions) 

I'm doing the best here! Not sure I believe that but ok….

Then I breathe and I say! for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son! 

That it! That's loved, he gave his all so I can have eternal life, so I don't hurt. So I won't die for my sin.

A friend post on Facebook! Love is when some-one wiped your tears and hold you after you left them hanging on a cross for your sin- that's love! That's what it looks like, that's what it feels like……

I don't have to because he already paid for me….

It's like going to this 5 star restaurant and eating for free, every day of your lives, every meal and some one picks up your tab and that still can't compare to God's love. 

He paid the debt I owed, I owed a debt, I couldn't pay and because he loves me so much! No greater love has……..except for the one that stretch his arms and die for me. 

There is no sin, nothing I can do that God won't put on Jesus back 

That's love❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

It’s all I have! Is it enough (prayer) 

As Rae-Quel will say. "your struggles", yes the struggle is real! I told a friend of mines, I feel like a whining child…

Lord in your mercies hear my prayer! Father please do something. Help me God, save ….. father. Protect…..father! Lord! God! Jesus! Jesus!

Or my favorite phase- when I can't say with my lips hear it from my heart, yep he is sick of me, or I am sick of me…… 

so grateful he is a good, good father that encourages me to come daily and as much as I need to and he doesn't get tired, he doesn't shut down, he doesn't block me out, he just holds me as I try to pray, as I try to talk to him! Yes he never gets tired.

So I told a friend, that prayer is all I have, I can't make any of the situation we are praying about worked out on my own. I need to God move and be God, in all of these situation so yeah prayer is all I have,

She responded,  it's enough! I smiled! It is enough! All I have to do is prayer, all I can do is pray, all God wants me to do is pray! So "on bended knees, head bowed, humble, feeble, with out the right words, I come

Our father……. my dad!

Which are in heaven- lord I enter your throne, I come into your space 

Hallowed be thy name- I sing praises because you are worth and your name is to be praised 

Thy kingdom come – Let your kingdom come, please show up in the lives and situation of every-one

Thy will be done- oh God! I don't understand it! But let your will be done in my life and in every situation

On earth as it is in heaven! Lord! Oh lord! 

Give me this day my daily bread- give me enough grace to make it through today. 

Forgive me as I forgive others and when it's hard to forgive help me to remember I neeed so much from you……

Yes prayer is all I have! It is enough! It's all he wants…….

I can do this!!!!!

“The nevertheless”

My conversation with Rae-Quel most days leave me 😱😩, the girl is a hoot, and makes my life so much better, because she showed up! She is making me say this (lol)

Anyway, this morning she came in real serious, mommy, maybe I should say what I think all the time out loud.

I smiled and breathe, I want to say, you got it honest, but here is the nevertheless !

Yes I am hot head, yes I have no tact, yes mess with me and mines, and I am being hell with me, yes I have my pet peeves, oh boy do I have my pet peeves… but the thing is it’s not an excuse, it’s not a reason, it’s not something I can’t change.

I cannot say, oh that just me! You know how I get when I am angry, I didn’t mean that. Yeah I did!

I had to learn over the years, that “greater is he that is in me”, was great enough to harness my temper, he was great enough to help me control my tongue.

When I say it’s not I that live but Christ lives in me, well the Christ in me is the hope of glory and he doesn’t go around judging, he doesn’t go around saying things in anger and then say oops I’m sorry, there wasn’t a manual, 

The things is Raequel, meant every word she said to her friend, she may have wished she said it differently or not at all, “since he got into his feelings”

At the end of the conversation, she meant it and yes it’s in her nature to “blow up”, but as she study her bible and reminds herself that she isn’t her own, she represent Christ.

You don’t push people down when they hurting, you use your words to heal and unless some-one is making a mock of the amazing God we served, we show up and be Christ to a dying word.

We allow his words to change us!!!! 

What does forgiveness look like?

I can call this forgive #2, and pick up from a previous blog, but I am sure there will be another blog about forgiveness.

I know I have to forgive, I have to forgive to receive forgiveness, Jesus stressed to forgive 70 times 7,the same person, what you gotta be kidding me, the same person can hurt me over and over again and I have to forgive because God says so, I want to live a life pleasing to him, I have surrendered my life to him, so it’s not mines it’s his, so yep I have to forgive!

Maybe this isn’t for you! Maybe it’s only me who struggles with forgiveness, especially the same person, and almost the same act!

I cry how many time God, he says 70 times 7, until it doesn’t hurt!

But it hurts and I struggle with 2 truths! Yes God says to forgive, but this is her character, this is how he is, this is his norm, there will be a next time, there is always a next time.

So I lay here, journaling and reading my bible and as I asked God to forgive me again! I struggled with forgiving the ones who has hurt me, the one who while I was over the clift with the rope dangling and breaking, stood above and cut the rope and watch me free fall. 

No safety net, down in the ditch I land and it’s a hard landing, I get to live with it for the rest of my life. I get to see the words. 

I watched as she cuts the rope and I know I will fall, I am going to die here in this pit, I can’t breath, I am cold and hungry and it’s so dark and alone and I free fall, my life flash before my eyes and I see all the things I am going to miss but I don’t care, I just want to die, let me die already. 

Then I get a message! A rainbow seeker had thrown a rope over and is climbing down to sit with me. 

Oh but for grace that runs from Calvary becomes my #hashtag.

So now I am on solid ground, now I have been rescued! 

How do I forgive! What does forgiveness looks like. 

How do I move on and be the best person I can be for my family, and forgive you!

I have prayed, I gave you to God. I don’t have a hell to put you, so I pray and I pick up the pieces of my life’s and I leave you at the foot of the cross, I tell God you are a burden that is too much for me, so I gave you to him and I walk away. 

I don’t hate you! I don’t want you to hurt! I don’t want to get even,  not praying for God to get you! Not telling God how much you have hurt me, he knows already.

See forgiveness for me means I get to walk away! Free and clear! No hurt, no animosity, not be grudging. I just walked away and let God be God.

There is no pit so deep…….

To say I have been having bad day is an understatement. 

After a very horrible day on Friday where I am living my worst nightmare and even in my worst night mare I would never have imagine, I will be here.

I totally collapsed and spend the rest of the weekend, depress and crying and as if that not bad already, for some-one very close and important to you added to that misery, well!!!! 

thanks be to God a girlfriend text and sat over the cliff with me, while I find my way out, and today……..

There is no pit so deep that God's love cannot reached, thanks to some strangers on Facebook who became swap sister (we swap bible art supplies and encourage each other), I got a package (care package) in the mail, of journals, retreat kit, spa date and most important prayer cards and stickers to create a war-binder!

His loves shows up in human form and when I cried, I know you are there but I just need some one to touch, to hugged, to hear them say I am here for you!

He gave me a group of them and then some…..

His loves shows up in some dysfunctional youth, who prayed for me

His love showed up in a rainbow seeker, who sat in the midst of the storm with me.

His love showed up in my fellow bible art journaling sisters who swapped stickers and pocket letters and make me lol and reminded me that he loves me so much

His love showed up in my best friend who remembered to put and encouraging message on my phone

His love showed up in my daughter, who read the "nasty message" and said! That not true you are an amazing mom and we love you!

His love shows up in Rayshawn who was too excited to tell me he passed his test and he was on his way to get me

Yep, even tho I make my bed in hell you are there with me.

Where can I go from your presence!!!!!!! Oh where!!!! 

Love him so much!!!! 

True Christian calls by his name will show up