Having a miscarriage is one of the hardest experience of any female’s life, having 2 miscarriages in a matter of weeks and losing twins is almost impossible and no-one should feel that pain, how-ever this is her story, she is a 17 year old, living in St.Vincent and the Grenadines, I asked her to do the hardest thing ever to put words to her pain, a couple months after having 2 separate miscarriages, (lost of twins separately)
I received the most hateful message of my life-time about 2 months ago, my heart still hurts and break as I remember reading those words, “wild dog puppies”, were the words used to describe a 4 and 5 year old boys. What yes! I remember reading the words and thinking what did they ever do to you? What have 2 innocent, yes innocent boys do that deserved to be called that. My heart break and I cried for days and weeks, I cannot erased those words out of my mind and my brain, you will forever be remember by “the author of hatred and evil”,
What Monique, wait, hold a minute, those words were sent out of pain. hurt, anger, not evil or hatred. Have you not seen what’s happening in Barcelona, and Virginia, that’s evil and that’s hatred, yes and they are the same, to describe a human being less than what God created them for is racist, it’s hatred, its evil….. when it comes from a pastor, a Christian, a leader, well!!!!!!
Over the last 2 weeks I have prayed and I have tried to come to grips, to erased those words from me, from my heart, from my soul, to make peace with them, but I can’t! They are forever stuck in my head, I have deleted them off my phone but oh boy! I still stop breathing at the mention of your name, I still grasp for air,
Hate is too big a burden I tell myself so just walk away……
My friend Shelly sends me some encouraging stories/meme,quotes on a daily bases, most of the time, last week as I was struggling with a migraine, she sent me a story, as I read it, I smile because it had a funny sense of humor.
some one had spill coffee, and when asked why did you spill coffee, the obvious answer , some one had bumped into me, no wrong answer, you spilled coffee because coffee was in the cup” (smiling) what’s inside of you will be spilled over when you are bumped into”
The Bible says, ” what comes out of a man is what defiles him”, so when you are mad, angry, hurt, what comes out, how you re-act when you living the un-imaginable.
When your world falls apart and what you love is taken away from you. When you get to the point where you have nothing else to loose, how do you act/re-act, what comes out of you? Do you grab a torch, do you call them “wild dogs puppies”, do you say “nigger go home”
Do you make excuses for your words!
Do you tolerate hatred, by saying, “I/he/they didn’t mean it”
Do you turn a blind eye, dead ears, because of who said it.
What’s on the inside of you?
It's Monday and a new work week and most of us, has gone back to life as "normal" the hashtag #charlottesville, will be used less and #prayersforcharlottesville has stop, life goes on, any way for us, until the next incident.
So why did I wait until today to speak out, "why am I a day late and a dollar short", am I not angry at what happened? Well….
I don't want this to be another blog, another post, but most importantly, I spend the weekend trying to explain to my 19 year old, my strong opinion on what's going on and what's the cause of this.
One of the question/observation, she asked, why so much hate with this administration? We have always had problems but not openly, as I try to tell my daughter, hate begat hate unless we change it, you can't have a leader that ignites, hate and in-justice and the country stays calms, except for the grace of God!
Is he to blame for all of this, of course not! We are all to blame…..
It grieves my heart on a daily bases as I scroll Facebook of the racist hate I see especially from the Christian community, yes I hold us to a higher standard.
Okay! So let's talk about #charlottesville, most of us out-cry about what has taken place and we should, its racist, it's un-acceptable and it oh so wrong, as I read twitter, I see so many pictures of #equality, hate is taught not born, quotes from MLKjr and the list goes on.
Here is my one cent, as I see the post and read the comments I see a pattern, I see a problem, my heart breaks? I ask how did we get here? It's 21st century, we have come a long way or have we!!
Let each of us examine ourselves and see the racists in each of us, the hate we share publicly on social media. We are the problem!
If you have used a them vs us – you are a racist
If you compare any thing by skin color -you are a racist
If you teach your kids to "look out for them", "they mean you no good" you are a racist and you are breeding hate!
If you used all white, them white, all black, all LGBT, all muslims to describe any negative situation, you are part of the problem
If you have use social media and call some one outside of what God created them for you are the problem
If you judge a situation with out knowing their story, you are part of the problem
If you have spend the whole weekend comparing every event to a #black-situation you are part of the problem.
So yes, hate is too big of a burden, and we create an atmosphere of tension and riot unless we truly get past the stinking thinking, forgave ourselves and our history and leave the past in the past.
We all have a beginning, but that only a part of your story, and too many people sacrifice their all so we can be free, most importantly God gave his only son so you can be free!
Unless we judge people by their actions and intentions and not the skin color, not the past, we will always have #Charlottesville
Only love and light can drive out hate and darkness, so as we #remember #charlottesville, let us color our world blind, let's link up and get involve, let's see each other as Christ sees them, not black, not white, not wild dogs puppies, not a teen mom (problem) but as humans..
Let's start with one and start with me..
It has been about a month now and I can't get those words out my head. "What you expect. When you take in wild dogs puppy", the words were sent with such hatred, anger, poisons, venom and I feel and hear them , way down in my heart.
I was meant to destroy me and oh boy did it almost destroy me, some-one who has struggled with her identity for all my life. Some one who admits, that on most days I think I am worthless and my family and this world is better off with out me…
No. he wasn't calling me a "wild dog puppy" but it was meant to crush and destroy me , the words were sent to hurt me and oh did it. I have cried for days and weeks and still cries,
Even as I type this blog, the tears are falling because the effect of the hatred is still so fresh.
I want to scream, I want to asked why do you hate me, what have I done, what didn't I do? Why do you hate me so much? Why will you cut the rope that I am barely hanging on and leave me in a pit to die? Do you understand I wanted to die?, Do you know I counted the pill in my bottle and asked is this enough to do the job?
Will it stop this pain, will it bring a better solution? are they better off with out me?
I screen shot the conversation, I reminded myself of your words. How can a pastor, some one who claims to love God, call a child any child "a wild dog puppy", what did they ever do to you?
As I bible journal this month, this week, I make and extra effort to do "who I am", who does God say I am, I write out the affirmation, I put on flash cards, I create tip in.
I make a conscious decision to remind me who God say I am, and remind me whose I am.
I struggle to forgive you! I pray every day to forgive you but the words are echo and it bring me to tears every time and I have to go back to the foot of the cross, I have to give you to God and let God wash me with his words….
Today as I get dressed "word of God speak" came on and I hit the repeat button so fast, I forgot I was supposed to be trying to play my list completely with out repeat….
But my soul wants to live, my soul cries out to God to live, so he puts this song on my play list and reminds me that his words is pouring down like rain, he is in this place, this place where I am, this deep, dark pit, that this situation that has the "making of a perfect storm", that place where only a miracle can help me.
Yes I find myself lost for words and prayers and tears and yes it is ok….. but I hear him, he washed my eyes to see his majesty and yes right here, in this place let me stay in his holiness!
Because I am in the right place, in the right position with all the making of a miracle and yes this is one of my miracles.
It will take a miracle but oh boy do I know a miracle worker….
So I have a cleaning company, my daughter helped me start about 5 years ago, it has had it struggles like every other businesses but I love it most of the time.
I love to clean and I love what I do, it's actually therapy for me, but some days I can do with out the customers (humans/adult interaction) I really don't do adults.
Anyway I live in DC and it has it benefit having a cleaning company here 😱, but there a few things behind the scenes as client trust us to let us into their home and take care of their things that amazes me on the daily bases.
Denial customers- they are in denial about everything, how long it will take. How dirty/clutter their homes are, and what is a reasonable price for the Job.
Twice clean- oh I love them, they tell us, oh we have to clean up before you come, I never used to understand the need to clean before the cleaners come until yesterday, when I had a client. That I wished cleaned before I got there.
Picture perfect- are the ones the homes are absolutely clean, they clean themselves and usually just need a professional overhaul, but will most likely think their homes are dirty…. oh how I wish
Most of our customers are really genuinely nice, we have had some over the years that I have called " can't pay me enough" clients. I don't do drama and demanding to a point, it's one of the reason why I am self-employed. So when there is a blizzard, storm, act of God and I call to re-scheduled and you are angry and ask why can't my cleaners make it, and I am telling you safety first means they can't and you spend 30 mins fusing about how long ago it was on the scheduled, you have……. so unless they are dead you expect them to clean……. its when I take a deep breath very loudly so you can hear me breath and count to 1000 before I respond with, I am so sorry but not willing to risk my life or my cleaners life, please accept our apologies with the refund of your money! And they grasp! You are refunding us, not even want to re-scheduled any more…….
Hmmm I'm thinking how can I say what am thinking nicely……..
some days, some clients there is no way to say it nicely so you just go with "when he'll freezes over, will we clean your house"! Okay not nice, not Godly, gotta work on that.
But those are the less than one percent over the last 5/6 years of business so not a bad record.
I am grateful every day, that most of our clients are really sweet and wonderful and just want a service with integrity and passion for what they do and we try, we really try.
I usually don't talk about tipping because again it personal across borders and we truly appreciate the one that tip, as a business owner I strive to pay my employees the high end of the going rate in the market, so they can feed their family and not depend on tip to make up the difference…..
I have signed the petition to raise minimum wages to $15, especially in DC where the cost of living is so high and yes I will love to see more people tip in the industry, because less than 20 percent tip, we are alway grateful and gracious to those who tips and tip above the "market standard", personal I do not judge and I will still take a client as a "regular", even if they don't tip, I have had cleaners refuse to work with some customers because they aren't tippers and they feel un-appreciated, this is what I call "to each his own".. life goes on….
Personally I don't build in tips in fees because o feel you should be given the chance to be as generous as you need and want to be, but yes there are days when after a long day, difficult client and lack of appreciation I have considered building in tips in fees for some clients….. still praying on that concept…
The thing is at the end of the day, I really love what I do and it makes me feel amazing to see the instant gratification that comes with cleaning up a space, it's a reminder that God takes the mess I gave him and turns it every day, every time into a masterpiece. He gives me a "clean" home after I mess up!
So as I take the every home, every situation as a reminder to give my mess to God, as each client turns over their homes to me I in turn must turn over my home, my heart, my body to the ultimate cleaner of messes…..
"Pregnancy problems",as she calls them!
Rae-Quell having a difficult pregnancy is an under statement. She gives new meaning to HG, morning sickness and a heighten sense of smell that goes right back to the never- ending nauseous and vomiting.
And just in case that not enough let's add seizure, migraine, 22q to that mix and yeah she is having a "wonderful" time.
Once again the girl changes her major and decides she is going to get her CDA before the baby gets here and after calling a couple day-care centers she found one that allows her to do her volunteers hours…..
This morning, " Murphy's law" shows up, rushing to meet me for breakfast before I meet up with a client, she left her wallet at home, having to get off the bus a few stops from home, and having to walk back to the house only to realized she is locked out again, yes back to the bus stop praying a driver will let her ride, to me….
Yay but for grace she got to me, money in hand for a new buss pass and on her way to her program, she goes right, not a problem….
Then I get the text, I'm done with this day, I lost my "smart trip" yep the same one I just gave her money to buy….. and she typed I just want to go back to bed and start over but I can't even do that because I am locked out…… oh boy I feel you!
Yes I want to tell her call the center, cancel, come get my keys and go home and do some bible journaling…..
Nope! This is life, as much as we don't like to do "adulting" we just had to deal….
So I typed, breathe! Take the money for my "swaps supplies" get something to eat, get a new bus pass and go to your program….
I know something's she doesn't know, going to the center and working with the kids will be exactly what she needs and most importantly, this "warrior princess" is going to "slay her giants" and keep on keeping on!
So off with your head "Mr. Murphy's Law", look out this warrior princess is coming for you and you my friend is going to fall….#slayinggiantsisahobbyforus
So to her program, she went and is still there!
Love is a 4 letter that brings a whole lot of emotions.
Of course you dealing with matters of the heart and of the most vulnerable organ, you have to protect it, out of it flows life and the issues of life, so we take a great deal of care and try with every we have to protect it
Sometimes even with the best effort, love shows up in so many ways.
A youth concern about your health.
A random conversation with a youth that you realized even death can't separate you from them, or I troll Facebook and those same youths are fighting for their share of love and attention 😱
Love shows up when out of the little he has, he honors what you sows in to him and tell you let him pay for your drink
Love shows up in a daughter's love that surprise you at the store,
Oh love shows up when one of those dysfunctional youths worry about you, live in an "elderly home" and is willing to put you in the"future" home and "take good care of you"
Oh love shows up when a friend goes out his way to ensure another friend gets off from work safely.
Yes love shows up when one fell sick and they all covered her in prayers and support.
Sometimes loves shows up in strangers that becomes, sister friends, prayer partner
Love shows up on a tough day as "happy mail"
Love shows up with a message saying "are you ok"
As much as we don't want to get hurt and loving some-one is risk getting hurt, love real love, true love will show up in unusual places