Tag Archives: God

“Wild dog puppies”

It has been about a month now and I can't get those words out my head. "What you expect. When you take in wild dogs puppy", the words were sent with such hatred, anger, poisons, venom and I feel and hear them , way down in my heart.

I was meant to destroy me and oh boy did it almost destroy me, some-one who has struggled with her identity for all my life. Some one who admits, that on most days I think I am worthless and my family and this world is better off with out me…

No. he wasn't calling me a "wild dog puppy" but it was meant to crush and destroy me , the words were sent to hurt me and oh did it. I have cried for days and weeks and still cries,
Even as I type this blog, the tears are falling because the effect of the hatred is still so fresh.

I want to scream, I want to asked why do you hate me, what have I done, what didn't I do? Why do you hate me so much? Why will you cut the rope that I am barely hanging on and leave me in a pit to die? Do you understand I wanted to die?, Do you know I counted the pill in my bottle and asked is this enough to do the job?
Will it stop this pain, will it bring a better solution? are they better off with out me?

I screen shot the conversation, I reminded myself of your words. How can a pastor, some one who claims to love God, call a child any child "a wild dog puppy", what did they ever do to you?

As I bible journal this month, this week, I make and extra effort to do "who I am", who does God say I am, I write out the affirmation, I put on flash cards, I create tip in.

I make a conscious decision to remind me who God say I am, and remind me whose I am.

I struggle to forgive you! I pray every day to forgive you but the words are echo and it bring me to tears every time and I have to go back to the foot of the cross, I have to give you to God and let God wash me with his words….

Today as I get dressed "word of God speak" came on and I hit the repeat button so fast, I forgot I was supposed to be trying to play my list completely with out repeat….
But my soul wants to live, my soul cries out to God to live, so he puts this song on my play list and reminds me that his words is pouring down like rain, he is in this place, this place where I am, this deep, dark pit, that this situation that has the "making of a perfect storm", that place where only a miracle can help me.

Yes I find myself lost for words and prayers and tears and yes it is ok….. but I hear him, he washed my eyes to see his majesty and yes right here, in this place let me stay in his holiness!

Because I am in the right place, in the right position with all the making of a miracle and yes this is one of my miracles.

It will take a miracle but oh boy do I know a miracle worker….

S

Backstage pass

So I have a cleaning company, my daughter helped me start about 5 years ago, it has had it struggles like every other businesses but I love it most of the time.

I love to clean and I love what I do, it's actually therapy for me, but some days I can do with out the customers (humans/adult interaction) I really don't do adults.

Anyway I live in DC and it has it benefit having a cleaning company here 😱, but there a few things behind the scenes as client trust us to let us into their home and take care of their things that amazes me on the daily bases.

Denial customers- they are in denial about everything, how long it will take. How dirty/clutter their homes are, and what is a reasonable price for the Job.

Twice clean- oh I love them, they tell us, oh we have to clean up before you come, I never used to understand the need to clean before the cleaners come until yesterday, when I had a client. That I wished cleaned before I got there.

Picture perfect- are the ones the homes are absolutely clean, they clean themselves and usually just need a professional overhaul, but will most likely think their homes are dirty…. oh how I wish

Most of our customers are really genuinely nice, we have had some over the years that I have called " can't pay me enough" clients. I don't do drama and demanding to a point, it's one of the reason why I am self-employed. So when there is a blizzard, storm, act of God and I call to re-scheduled and you are angry and ask why can't my cleaners make it, and I am telling you safety first means they can't and you spend 30 mins fusing about how long ago it was on the scheduled, you have……. so unless they are dead you expect them to clean……. its when I take a deep breath very loudly so you can hear me breath and count to 1000 before I respond with, I am so sorry but not willing to risk my life or my cleaners life, please accept our apologies with the refund of your money! And they grasp! You are refunding us, not even want to re-scheduled any more…….
Hmmm I'm thinking how can I say what am thinking nicely……..
some days, some clients there is no way to say it nicely so you just go with "when he'll freezes over, will we clean your house"! Okay not nice, not Godly, gotta work on that.

But those are the less than one percent over the last 5/6 years of business so not a bad record.

I am grateful every day, that most of our clients are really sweet and wonderful and just want a service with integrity and passion for what they do and we try, we really try.

I usually don't talk about tipping because again it personal across borders and we truly appreciate the one that tip, as a business owner I strive to pay my employees the high end of the going rate in the market, so they can feed their family and not depend on tip to make up the difference…..

I have signed the petition to raise minimum wages to $15, especially in DC where the cost of living is so high and yes I will love to see more people tip in the industry, because less than 20 percent tip, we are alway grateful and gracious to those who tips and tip above the "market standard", personal I do not judge and I will still take a client as a "regular", even if they don't tip, I have had cleaners refuse to work with some customers because they aren't tippers and they feel un-appreciated, this is what I call "to each his own".. life goes on….

Personally I don't build in tips in fees because o feel you should be given the chance to be as generous as you need and want to be, but yes there are days when after a long day, difficult client and lack of appreciation I have considered building in tips in fees for some clients….. still praying on that concept…

The thing is at the end of the day, I really love what I do and it makes me feel amazing to see the instant gratification that comes with cleaning up a space, it's a reminder that God takes the mess I gave him and turns it every day, every time into a masterpiece. He gives me a "clean" home after I mess up!

So as I take the every home, every situation as a reminder to give my mess to God, as each client turns over their homes to me I in turn must turn over my home, my heart, my body to the ultimate cleaner of messes…..

For……

Jeremiah 29:11, is one of my favorite scripture and then it became Rae-Quel's Life scriptures, what not to like. For I know the thoughts I think towards you! What God is thinking of me and his thought are to give me a future and a hope! Ok yep I like that….but lately as I say it, pray it, speak it, write it, journal it, my future from where I am at looks so bleak, with everything here in the natural, I don't have a future or want the future I am seeing with my natural eyes, so I repeat it again for I know the thoughts……… to give you a future and a hope!
Ok God you have to make this plain and simple for me to understand and see, because I can sit here and tell you about any parts of my life and tell you what I see…… and that's not a hope and a future…. more doctors. More disappointments. more crying, more prayers……..

For my ways aren't yours, oh yeah! You are the great I am, the creator of the universe and you are the only one in control……
Ok breath, for I know the thoughts I think toward you said the lord of host, thought of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope!

My ways aren't yours!
I hold this world in the palms of my hands
I am that I am……..

Yes! Gotta just trust him

A little coffee and a whole lot of Jesus!

A friend of mines, who knows my coffee addiction and maybe my love for worship music, sent me a picture "all I need is a little coffee and a whole lot of Jesus", well she got the "whole lot of Jesus" part correct but I need a whole lot of coffee on most days!

Just to stay saved, not to blow up at the driver, who doesn't wait for pedestrian to cross. Or the clerk who gets my order wrong after telling her several time, and let not talk about calling sprint or an agency that decides to put you on hold.
If you put doctors and insurance in that mix, I am about to loose my salvation just thinking of them. So yes to deal with "adults" and this crazy world and technology and……. give me Jesus in the morning, noon at night and in between, of my headphones are in my ears I am trying to get more Jesus, because I don't have bail money and please if you see me with my coffee, check the level because that will tell you my tolerance level.

I know this is where I say "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" and yes I can and will as soon as I have coffee, worship music, some bible journaling time, coffee, more coffee and Jesus!!!!!

My disclaimer I don't do adults! I don't like "adulting"
I rather spend my days at my desk journaling and I am sure the people who comes in contact with me, will rather me at home also, but since there are bills to be paid and grand-kids to spoil, then yes Lord! Give me a lot of coffee and a lot of Jesus and keep it on repeat!!!!

Love is..

An action word! When asked how much you love me he says so much and died for me… love is God, love is kind! Love does not boast, Love doesn't not hurt, loves lifts up not pulled down, loves bears all things, endure alls things. Love is gentle…..

I can go on! I did a word search on one of my bible app and as I type love is…. so much Scripture came up! 

I google what love is and googled had all theses memes, and quotes and yep Wikipedia, love is an action word……

Why am I researching love. I should know what it looks like, what it smells like, 

I love to create math problems that has no solution and tell my kids that's how much I love them and I do love them to infinity times infinity (squared), ……..can't explain how they makes me feel, can't explain how I feel about God.

We use love as an excuse, or reason! I love you but you hurting me (an abusive relationship) 

You making me do this but I love you (you put it back on me, so it has conditions) 

I'm doing the best here! Not sure I believe that but ok….

Then I breathe and I say! for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son! 

That it! That's loved, he gave his all so I can have eternal life, so I don't hurt. So I won't die for my sin.

A friend post on Facebook! Love is when some-one wiped your tears and hold you after you left them hanging on a cross for your sin- that's love! That's what it looks like, that's what it feels like……

I don't have to because he already paid for me….

It's like going to this 5 star restaurant and eating for free, every day of your lives, every meal and some one picks up your tab and that still can't compare to God's love. 

He paid the debt I owed, I owed a debt, I couldn't pay and because he loves me so much! No greater love has……..except for the one that stretch his arms and die for me. 

There is no sin, nothing I can do that God won't put on Jesus back 

That's love❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

“Baby oh baby” 

To say my family is struggling and having a hard time is an understatement, we have been in this storm for a minute and even as we anchored down, and hold on to each other, the storms are raging. 

It’s a struggle every day, I find ways to encourage others as I encourage my self, I try to demonstrate faith in action for my kids because I know they watching and will take clues from me, and ph for grace that runs from Calvary, I have some rainbow seeking prayer partners that will go over a cliff with me and sit in the midst of it all… so grateful.

But it feels redundant, it feels like it’s getting old, I asked what am I missing, what am I supposed to be doing or not doing…… “having Faith when God doesn’t make sense” is …… 

yesterday I was having “one of those days”, bad news after bad news, every where I turn one more thing to cry, about! I play gospel music. I participate in my #swapgroup, what ever it takes to make it to the next minute I tell myself 

Then I get a call from my oldest, seem like his rope was broken and he had free fall! He was that 5 year old running to jump as he scream mommyyyyyyyyyyy waiting for me to catch him, this time I can’t, there are no words, and siting at Mcsonalds the tears I have been holding back finally broke loose 

I cry “lord in your mercies, hear our prayers”, as I listen to Rayshawn, he is one email to a breakthrough, one text to his future, one call to make it through the storm, but that call is delayed… 

I encourage him and let him know “delayed isn’t denied”, quote the Scripture from Daniel and I hear me saying all the right words. But the tears are falling, the rain outside is falling.

If this was a youth I would know what to say but this is my baby, my heart is breaking, the words sound so cliche. So empty…. I got nothing…..

So I shut down for the night and I spend the next 5 hours making tip-in for our bibles and as the gospel music plays, the prayers from my swap sisters came in and I finally return messages and make it to the bed. 

Lord in your mercies hear my prayer!

Lord in your mercies keep my kids

Oh Lord in your mercies don’t forsake us….. I feel forsaken, I feel lost, I feel lonely 

Then she typed it! I am praying for you sweet sister! There is no pit to deep!!!! 

Yep I know I can make it! 

“The nevertheless”

My conversation with Rae-Quel most days leave me 😱😩, the girl is a hoot, and makes my life so much better, because she showed up! She is making me say this (lol)

Anyway, this morning she came in real serious, mommy, maybe I should say what I think all the time out loud.

I smiled and breathe, I want to say, you got it honest, but here is the nevertheless !

Yes I am hot head, yes I have no tact, yes mess with me and mines, and I am being hell with me, yes I have my pet peeves, oh boy do I have my pet peeves… but the thing is it’s not an excuse, it’s not a reason, it’s not something I can’t change.

I cannot say, oh that just me! You know how I get when I am angry, I didn’t mean that. Yeah I did!

I had to learn over the years, that “greater is he that is in me”, was great enough to harness my temper, he was great enough to help me control my tongue.

When I say it’s not I that live but Christ lives in me, well the Christ in me is the hope of glory and he doesn’t go around judging, he doesn’t go around saying things in anger and then say oops I’m sorry, there wasn’t a manual, 

The things is Raequel, meant every word she said to her friend, she may have wished she said it differently or not at all, “since he got into his feelings”

At the end of the conversation, she meant it and yes it’s in her nature to “blow up”, but as she study her bible and reminds herself that she isn’t her own, she represent Christ.

You don’t push people down when they hurting, you use your words to heal and unless some-one is making a mock of the amazing God we served, we show up and be Christ to a dying word.

We allow his words to change us!!!!