Tag Archives: faith

“Wild dog puppies”

It has been about a month now and I can't get those words out my head. "What you expect. When you take in wild dogs puppy", the words were sent with such hatred, anger, poisons, venom and I feel and hear them , way down in my heart.

I was meant to destroy me and oh boy did it almost destroy me, some-one who has struggled with her identity for all my life. Some one who admits, that on most days I think I am worthless and my family and this world is better off with out me…

No. he wasn't calling me a "wild dog puppy" but it was meant to crush and destroy me , the words were sent to hurt me and oh did it. I have cried for days and weeks and still cries,
Even as I type this blog, the tears are falling because the effect of the hatred is still so fresh.

I want to scream, I want to asked why do you hate me, what have I done, what didn't I do? Why do you hate me so much? Why will you cut the rope that I am barely hanging on and leave me in a pit to die? Do you understand I wanted to die?, Do you know I counted the pill in my bottle and asked is this enough to do the job?
Will it stop this pain, will it bring a better solution? are they better off with out me?

I screen shot the conversation, I reminded myself of your words. How can a pastor, some one who claims to love God, call a child any child "a wild dog puppy", what did they ever do to you?

As I bible journal this month, this week, I make and extra effort to do "who I am", who does God say I am, I write out the affirmation, I put on flash cards, I create tip in.

I make a conscious decision to remind me who God say I am, and remind me whose I am.

I struggle to forgive you! I pray every day to forgive you but the words are echo and it bring me to tears every time and I have to go back to the foot of the cross, I have to give you to God and let God wash me with his words….

Today as I get dressed "word of God speak" came on and I hit the repeat button so fast, I forgot I was supposed to be trying to play my list completely with out repeat….
But my soul wants to live, my soul cries out to God to live, so he puts this song on my play list and reminds me that his words is pouring down like rain, he is in this place, this place where I am, this deep, dark pit, that this situation that has the "making of a perfect storm", that place where only a miracle can help me.

Yes I find myself lost for words and prayers and tears and yes it is ok….. but I hear him, he washed my eyes to see his majesty and yes right here, in this place let me stay in his holiness!

Because I am in the right place, in the right position with all the making of a miracle and yes this is one of my miracles.

It will take a miracle but oh boy do I know a miracle worker….

S

“Faith in worship”

It's 6 am, and I am laying in bed wide awake, I have been awake for a couple hours now, and after willing myself to "go back to sleep", with no such luck, my body is a clock, no matter, how late, how tired…….my body gets up at 4am.

So after listening to my worship music, turning and tossing, trying to "will" my body back to sleep, I call uncle!

So as I lay here, typing up my to do list for today. And playing phase 10, I decided I am going to do my devotion and set up H2H for today.

Last week took a break from the "norm", H2H is my baby Ministry, I don't want to operate on "robot mode", I don't want to post because it's what is expected, I want it to reach and minister to me first and then the ladies in the group, so as I try to figure out a picture for our "corporate worship room" today, I type into google "faith in worship", I wanted to see what will show up and of course so many pictures did, from cover of CD, to Ministry that has faith and worship in their names, to several that look very promising to me that demonstrated faith in worship

How do I choose? Well so much is speaking to me and several will be a perfect fit, but as I scroll I saw it, a man with out stretch arms and a cross (on Calvary) but the cross is leaning toward the worshipper! (See image) that's it "oh but for grace that runs from Calvary", that my faith in action.
When I lay awake in my bed, worrying about my kids, my health, my business, so much going on, the storms are redundant, you don't post of social media any more because it's "again"! So you message a couple friend and update them on the latest saga and ask to continue to keep your family in prayers.
You try to find a scripture that will encourage your heart, that will give you the grace and the strength to wake up and face this new day, yes it's a new day, it's Sunday, a beginning of a new week, his mercies are new, but for me it's still a struggle,

I check on my daughter who is sleeping and wonder if she will wake up in pain.
I pray for my boys and their situation
I pray for my grand-baby that today is a new day and he will be feeling better so his mom can have a better day, that she can find brand new mercies as she deal with pregnancy and a sick toddler.
I pray and I pray!

I scroll on Facebook to see what every one is posting this time of the morning, I click on some friends post about politic, faith, adoption.

All of this to distract me so I can get up! The struggle to start my day and face a new day is real……

So as I see the picture the one for H2H corporate worship room and as I type this blog, just type, no thinking it through and get it prep, I just type and I listening to my worship music, " I stand" by Hillsong comes on perfect! I switch out from typing this blog, share on Facebook my current situation. #writing this blog and I stand on repeat.

Then I think of the picture that inspired this blog, yes #ohbutforgracethatrunsfromcalvary
My life, my storms, my challenges, are not redundant to him

Right here I don't have the answers, I am lost, sometimes angry at God, don't understand his will, yes I trust his way, but I struggle with the "working for my good", I can't stop the tears,
I pray and I say it's too much,

Yes it's too much for me, so help me "yoke" to you so you can help me "bear my burdens", remind me that I am overwhelm and tired because I am trying to carry it by myself, remind me to always find my center in you, remind me that you know exactly where each of my kids are and what they need, remind me that you love them so much more than I could ever love them.

Yes remind me!

#ohbutforgracethatrunsfromcalvary

“Murphy’s law meets warrior princess”

"Pregnancy problems",as she calls them!

Rae-Quell having a difficult pregnancy is an under statement. She gives new meaning to HG, morning sickness and a heighten sense of smell that goes right back to the never- ending nauseous and vomiting.

And just in case that not enough let's add seizure, migraine, 22q to that mix and yeah she is having a "wonderful" time.

Once again the girl changes her major and decides she is going to get her CDA before the baby gets here and after calling a couple day-care centers she found one that allows her to do her volunteers hours…..

This morning, " Murphy's law" shows up, rushing to meet me for breakfast before I meet up with a client, she left her wallet at home, having to get off the bus a few stops from home, and having to walk back to the house only to realized she is locked out again, yes back to the bus stop praying a driver will let her ride, to me….

Yay but for grace she got to me, money in hand for a new buss pass and on her way to her program, she goes right, not a problem….

Then I get the text, I'm done with this day, I lost my "smart trip" yep the same one I just gave her money to buy….. and she typed I just want to go back to bed and start over but I can't even do that because I am locked out…… oh boy I feel you!
Yes I want to tell her call the center, cancel, come get my keys and go home and do some bible journaling…..

Nope! This is life, as much as we don't like to do "adulting" we just had to deal….

So I typed, breathe! Take the money for my "swaps supplies" get something to eat, get a new bus pass and go to your program….

I know something's she doesn't know, going to the center and working with the kids will be exactly what she needs and most importantly, this "warrior princess" is going to "slay her giants" and keep on keeping on!

So off with your head "Mr. Murphy's Law", look out this warrior princess is coming for you and you my friend is going to fall….#slayinggiantsisahobbyforus

So to her program, she went and is still there!

#chroniclesofawarriorprincess

Let every breath I breathe worship you! 

I am a worshipper (go figure) as if you didn't figure that out from some of my post. Worship music and worship is my addiction,it what I do when I am happy, sad, alone, scared…….

I put on worship music, I quiet my heart, I lift my hands up and I surrender my will to God's will and I stay there! or want to stay there.

I know exactly what song will get me to the next phase and just if you are in my company, the hope is I won't put on repeat……

I have always loved music but once I learned Revelation 4:11 and realized my soul purpose was/is to worship a living God and then I fall in love with liturgical dance and that was all she wrote!!!

Right now as I type this blog, I am listening "shout to the lord" by hill song! Oh my world 

My Jesus! my savior! Lord there is none like you! All of my days I want to praise, the wonder of your mighty love.

A love that stretches so high, so wide, so low, a love that set me free every time.

Mountains bowed down and the seas roared at the sound  of your voice……

Oh lord oh God how majestic is your name! 

Then quietly I surrender my will, my burden, my tears, my fears

“Baby oh baby” 

To say my family is struggling and having a hard time is an understatement, we have been in this storm for a minute and even as we anchored down, and hold on to each other, the storms are raging. 

It’s a struggle every day, I find ways to encourage others as I encourage my self, I try to demonstrate faith in action for my kids because I know they watching and will take clues from me, and ph for grace that runs from Calvary, I have some rainbow seeking prayer partners that will go over a cliff with me and sit in the midst of it all… so grateful.

But it feels redundant, it feels like it’s getting old, I asked what am I missing, what am I supposed to be doing or not doing…… “having Faith when God doesn’t make sense” is …… 

yesterday I was having “one of those days”, bad news after bad news, every where I turn one more thing to cry, about! I play gospel music. I participate in my #swapgroup, what ever it takes to make it to the next minute I tell myself 

Then I get a call from my oldest, seem like his rope was broken and he had free fall! He was that 5 year old running to jump as he scream mommyyyyyyyyyyy waiting for me to catch him, this time I can’t, there are no words, and siting at Mcsonalds the tears I have been holding back finally broke loose 

I cry “lord in your mercies, hear our prayers”, as I listen to Rayshawn, he is one email to a breakthrough, one text to his future, one call to make it through the storm, but that call is delayed… 

I encourage him and let him know “delayed isn’t denied”, quote the Scripture from Daniel and I hear me saying all the right words. But the tears are falling, the rain outside is falling.

If this was a youth I would know what to say but this is my baby, my heart is breaking, the words sound so cliche. So empty…. I got nothing…..

So I shut down for the night and I spend the next 5 hours making tip-in for our bibles and as the gospel music plays, the prayers from my swap sisters came in and I finally return messages and make it to the bed. 

Lord in your mercies hear my prayer!

Lord in your mercies keep my kids

Oh Lord in your mercies don’t forsake us….. I feel forsaken, I feel lost, I feel lonely 

Then she typed it! I am praying for you sweet sister! There is no pit to deep!!!! 

Yep I know I can make it! 

“The nevertheless”

My conversation with Rae-Quel most days leave me 😱😩, the girl is a hoot, and makes my life so much better, because she showed up! She is making me say this (lol)

Anyway, this morning she came in real serious, mommy, maybe I should say what I think all the time out loud.

I smiled and breathe, I want to say, you got it honest, but here is the nevertheless !

Yes I am hot head, yes I have no tact, yes mess with me and mines, and I am being hell with me, yes I have my pet peeves, oh boy do I have my pet peeves… but the thing is it’s not an excuse, it’s not a reason, it’s not something I can’t change.

I cannot say, oh that just me! You know how I get when I am angry, I didn’t mean that. Yeah I did!

I had to learn over the years, that “greater is he that is in me”, was great enough to harness my temper, he was great enough to help me control my tongue.

When I say it’s not I that live but Christ lives in me, well the Christ in me is the hope of glory and he doesn’t go around judging, he doesn’t go around saying things in anger and then say oops I’m sorry, there wasn’t a manual, 

The things is Raequel, meant every word she said to her friend, she may have wished she said it differently or not at all, “since he got into his feelings”

At the end of the conversation, she meant it and yes it’s in her nature to “blow up”, but as she study her bible and reminds herself that she isn’t her own, she represent Christ.

You don’t push people down when they hurting, you use your words to heal and unless some-one is making a mock of the amazing God we served, we show up and be Christ to a dying word.

We allow his words to change us!!!! 

“A mother’s Decision”

My daughter Rae-Quel is living with Microduplication 22q11.2 (similar to De-George Syndrome), and is now 12 weeks pregnant.

It’s funny when I talk to Rae-Quell about taking care of her because “taking care of her, is taking care of the baby”, also trying to instill “self care” now because as a mom, a single mom, the desire and need to put your child 100 percent before you is so great and overwhelming that “self care” is a learned luxury but really is a necessity to make it through the next 18 years plus!

Anyway, as I go to her appointment I am so proud of Rae-Quel as she makes decision, which test to do, and why? Which one she can wait for?

Usually her first question is “will it hurt my baby”? Sounds like a great mom in the making, I watch her struggle with wanting to know if her baby has the same syndrome or another syndrome and the desire to protect her baby at all cost, don’t let anything happens to my baby she prays, don’t do any test that will put her/him,  in danger she pleas, she already has to deal with being in my body!!! 

It seem like the odds are already stacked at this new grandbaby and this “young” mom!

My heart break as I watch her break the cocoon to become a beautiful, butterfly

I watched and I pray but I am impress of her questions and her choices and her decision, she knows the odds, she knows the risk, no matter how she gets here, she has a life that depends on her and she will be this baby moms for the rest of the baby life and will always find herself having to make a decision. 

She has watched me struggle and has learn and is learning from my decisions, she will make hers and no matter where I am, I will always be supporting her and encouraging her and doing what’s best for her, because she is my daughter and my baby! Like her I ask, how does this affect Rae-Quel, will this hurt Rae-Quel, what are the risk to my baby! How can I keep her safe and she struggles to keep her child safe!

A parent knows how to give good gifts to their child! Will a parent will give a scorpion when asked for a fish, 

See we have the best example of parenting and unconditional love, because God is the good good father, he has set the standards so high that we can!

Yes Rae-Quel will make mistakes, she will learn some hard lesson, she will continued to learn how to thrive with a genetic disorder, while raising a baby and she will have a family that supports her unconditionally, she will have arms to hold her as she falls apart, she will have some one to text and say “your grandchild”

She will experience all the emotions of parenting and she will grow!!!