It's 6 am, and I am laying in bed wide awake, I have been awake for a couple hours now, and after willing myself to "go back to sleep", with no such luck, my body is a clock, no matter, how late, how tired…….my body gets up at 4am.
So after listening to my worship music, turning and tossing, trying to "will" my body back to sleep, I call uncle!
So as I lay here, typing up my to do list for today. And playing phase 10, I decided I am going to do my devotion and set up H2H for today.
Last week took a break from the "norm", H2H is my baby Ministry, I don't want to operate on "robot mode", I don't want to post because it's what is expected, I want it to reach and minister to me first and then the ladies in the group, so as I try to figure out a picture for our "corporate worship room" today, I type into google "faith in worship", I wanted to see what will show up and of course so many pictures did, from cover of CD, to Ministry that has faith and worship in their names, to several that look very promising to me that demonstrated faith in worship
How do I choose? Well so much is speaking to me and several will be a perfect fit, but as I scroll I saw it, a man with out stretch arms and a cross (on Calvary) but the cross is leaning toward the worshipper! (See image) that's it "oh but for grace that runs from Calvary", that my faith in action.
When I lay awake in my bed, worrying about my kids, my health, my business, so much going on, the storms are redundant, you don't post of social media any more because it's "again"! So you message a couple friend and update them on the latest saga and ask to continue to keep your family in prayers.
You try to find a scripture that will encourage your heart, that will give you the grace and the strength to wake up and face this new day, yes it's a new day, it's Sunday, a beginning of a new week, his mercies are new, but for me it's still a struggle,
I check on my daughter who is sleeping and wonder if she will wake up in pain.
I pray for my boys and their situation
I pray for my grand-baby that today is a new day and he will be feeling better so his mom can have a better day, that she can find brand new mercies as she deal with pregnancy and a sick toddler.
I pray and I pray!
I scroll on Facebook to see what every one is posting this time of the morning, I click on some friends post about politic, faith, adoption.
All of this to distract me so I can get up! The struggle to start my day and face a new day is real……
So as I see the picture the one for H2H corporate worship room and as I type this blog, just type, no thinking it through and get it prep, I just type and I listening to my worship music, " I stand" by Hillsong comes on perfect! I switch out from typing this blog, share on Facebook my current situation. #writing this blog and I stand on repeat.
Then I think of the picture that inspired this blog, yes #ohbutforgracethatrunsfromcalvary
My life, my storms, my challenges, are not redundant to him
Right here I don't have the answers, I am lost, sometimes angry at God, don't understand his will, yes I trust his way, but I struggle with the "working for my good", I can't stop the tears,
I pray and I say it's too much,
Yes it's too much for me, so help me "yoke" to you so you can help me "bear my burdens", remind me that I am overwhelm and tired because I am trying to carry it by myself, remind me to always find my center in you, remind me that you know exactly where each of my kids are and what they need, remind me that you love them so much more than I could ever love them.
Yes remind me!