Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can't! Oh how I remember chanting this as a child, how I remember hearing it and saying it over and over as if the more I say it, the more it will become true, or I will believe it and it will work.
Well the truth is words do hurt, and the effect last longer, I have some scars on my legs from jumped rope etc and some, the big ones or the "different ones" I may remember how I got it but the most part, I can't remember how I got most of them
But the words, your words, oh the words, they hurt, they cause deep wound, they cause deep pain and if I am not careful at the lowest time of my life, I tell myself your words are true, and I give life to them and they multiple
I say them over and over again, she said it, it had to be true, I have to be a bad mother, I have to be the worst human on the planet. She knows me, she is supposed to know me more than most, so if she says this, then it had to be true,
So instead of enjoy my kids company, that was trying to cheer me up because we need all the "positive re-enforcement", I became quiet! I meditated on your words, I let them touch my soul and my heart and they formed a bond with the other "wounds" that was trying to heal and it re-opened and yep I start believing it.
So I allowed you to take away my time with my kids, I watched Rayshawn leave because I have been crying for the last 2 hours, since I got your text and I watched Raequel run to her room, because no one knows what to say, no one knows how to "comfort" me
I look at my kids and I wonder, do they hate me, do they feel the way you do! Is it hard for them to look at me because I am a reminder of how I messed up their lives and oh boy the "demons of the past" is back in full force and at last you are happy, because with a single second you have accomplished what you set out to do, to destroy me, to make sure I feel as bad as I can be and it's a win for you.
I agree with you! I am that person except for the saving grace of God
I am that person, except his compassion fails not and his mercy are new to me
I am that person, except, right now, right here in this deep pit, I called, he answered and he came to my rescue
I am a sinner saved by grace! I am redeemed! I am bought with a price and for a moment I remember who I am and whose I am…..
I am his daughter, his beloved, his child and inspite of me, inspite of …….. he loves me with an everlasting love.
It's hard to accept his love, because yours always had condidtions, yours always wanted me to do something, be someone, stay there, depend on you, do what you say. So I compare his love for so long to yours and then he start placing people in my life that will show me what un-conditional loves looks like.
Called by his name, bearing fruits for him, shows up and love me, yeah me the one not even a mother or father can love! Yeah me the one …..